I watched Charlie's video.. The one at the bottom of this page. I do it whenever I miss him the most because I know it will bring me right back to the day he was born. I cry when I watch it.. Being pregnant with this new little person reminds me how much I miss my Charlie. I miss carrying him in my belly and talking to him. I miss his kicks and rolls and hiccups. I miss reading him books and singing him songs, and I miss his little heart beating from within. I really am trying to get attached to this pregnancy, but I can't. I feel guilty when I feel happy about it, because I feel like I'm replacing the happiness I felt with Charlie with new happiness. I know it may not make sense to anyone else, but it makes sense in my mind. I know you can not replace a child with another. I know that you can't erase memories. I know ALL of that. But can you please tell my mind that this time will be different? Maybe I'm not getting attached because we don't know the health status of this little babe yet. I was attached to Charlie from the minute I peed on the stick that said "Pregnant". I just KNEW he was coming and no matter what I would love him. It's been such a struggle to get to twelve weeks with this bugger and it just doesn't seem real yet. When will it? I've seen this child on multiple ultrasounds, and even heard it's heartbeat via Doppler a few times. I know it's in there, but when do I start filling out baby books, and when do I begin buying things? With Charlie it was instantly. I got a positive pregnancy test and I bought a baby book that day and started filling it out.
Since Charlie died, and I've had multiple failed pregnancies I guess I've become a bit jaded. I think I feel that this all can be taken away from me at any moment because I've experienced that already. I really want to feel the excitement everyone else feels for me. I'm a third of the way done with this pregnancy. I hope the other 2/3rds fly by. I hope I find the excitement that I once felt when I was pregnant with Charlie instead of the terror and fear I feel now. Every little cramp, every little ache and pain.. I worry...
Every time someone congratulates me, I silently think to myself "thanks... I just hope this one makes it..."
Every time someone asks me if this is my first, I feel my heart break when I say "technically it's our second, our first passed away."
If only Charlie were here.. everything would be so different...
This all started with me watching his video...
Why do I do this to myself?!
3 comments:
i felt the same way until someone asked me 'well, weren't you planning on having more children? don't look at it as replacing Jorai, look at it as giving her a brother or sister, just as you were going to do anyway.'that made sense to me. i was giving her a brother or sister. asher has an older sister and i get to share Jorai with him now. and i know this sounds totally whacked...but there are many times where asher looks off and stares and then laughs over and over...i like to believe Jorai's visiting her younger brother, because i can't fathom what else would capture his attention like that on a bare wall.
it took me until i had asher screaming on my chest to believe he was real and alive. and honestly, to this day i still worry about him being taken from us. the only advice i can give is a mantra and prayer that i used to help me give my worries up. because you worrying, is silly. there's nothing you can do to help keep this pregnancy, as much as you want to. you worrying is TOTALLY understandable, don't get me wrong...it just doesn't help the situation. i worried throughout my pregnancy, so i'm also not saying that it will go away..but when i was in my most worried moments i would sit down and say 'this is not helping. let it go and give it to God.' then i'd pray this prayer...
thank you for the time i've had with this child. please keep this babe safe and healthy. help me to let go of my worry and simply enjoy another moment with my child.
it sucks that mama's have to go through this. my heart aches for you because i know how you feel. it's so hard. you want to be excited but being excited makes you feel as if your forgetting about your other children and also you don't want to be excited in case you lose another. it's a horrible yet beautiful ride you're on. all i can say is to take each day as it's given. feel blessed for each moment with this child. and know that we're all praying for and loving you through this process.
you're giving Charlie a brother or sister and know that you'll be able to share Charlie's life with your newest child. how cool is that!
Next time you decide to watch the video and are alone, call me. I will come over and watch it with you. While I can't understand exactly what you're going through, I can be there to support you through it.
Ditto everything you said. I can't think about this new one in me. I only think about the baby that is gone. And I wonder, how will I ever love this one like I love her? I think this is why I don't want to tell anyone. They might forget about her then.
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