Monday, September 15, 2008
strange..
I went to my cousin's baby shower this past weekend. It's not the first one I've been to since Charlie passed away, but it was the first for a member of my family. She's having a little boy. He will be the first child born on my dad's side of the family since Charlie was born. It was strange watching her get the same gifts I got from that side of the family. She got a beautiful wooden rocking chair, the same chair I got for Charlie. She got the same blue snow suit that buckles into the car seat, and many of the same clothing. I can't quite explain how it felt to watch someone so full of hope happily open her gifts. I guess strange is the only word that can come close to summing it up. Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited for and her husband.. the whole thing just felt.. weird for me. Can anyone help me figure out why!?
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1 comment:
it's gotta be a bit surreal to watch someone opening the same gifts you were given at Charlie's shower. that would have weirded me out a bit.
also, i don't know if it's the same for you, but i constantly struggled to be excited. i was excited but more cautious. maybe you were feeling that pull to be excited about your cousins baby and your baby, while at the same time, missing Charlie and fighting the feeling of thinking this child will be taken from you as well...
i wouldn't spend too much time wondering why you feel a certain way during this pregnancy, because you'll have a lot of crazy emotions. some happy, some sad, some just plain confusing. chalk it all up to fear and apprehension, longing for your son as well as this new baby and missing all your children, happiness and excitement all balled into one crazy emotion.
at least, that's how i felt on a daily basis...one minuted elated, the next missing Jorai and feeling a bit guilty that i loved this new baby so much, the next fear and then i was excited again...every day...for 40 weeks, 1 day.
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