I've been really struggling with my feelings this week. I've had alot of alone time to think about this whole pregnancy thing. What I've figured out so far is that I'd be devastated if something happened to this baby, but I have done nothing to attach myself to this baby as of yet. I know it's growing inside me, but I have yet to talk to it like I used to talk to Charlie. I haven't started the baby book yet, or bought anything besides a baby sling for it. I'm erring on the side of caution because it will be forever before I can meet this little alien growing within my uterus. I've been struggling with alot of "why" questions during this pregnancy. Why can't I get attached. Well, duh.. it's because I've been burned in the past with attaching myself to my first child. I got attached, and fell head over heels in love when he came into the world. My world fell completely apart when he left it, and I've spent the last year and nine months picking up the pieces. Another "why" is why can't I relax and just let this pregnancy "happen?" I was so relaxed with Charlie's pregnancy, even after finding out he had a heart defect. This time, not so much. Lots of people have told me to enjoy it because I'm past the "danger zone" of the first trimester. I am by no means past the danger zone! I'll be past the danger zone when he or she gets here, and I see that they are healthy and I can take them home with me. I can relax when someone assures me that I won't be planning a funeral for this one too. I want to be happy. I want to relax. I want to enjoy this. I want to stop asking "why" and just let things happen. I'm working really hard on letting go. I keep telling myself that I have absolutely no control over what happens to this child. I can only control the environment I'm supplying for this baby by eating properly and taking my vitamins.
I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water. It's the only thing I can do. I just need to keep on treading water until March. March can't come soon enough.
6 comments:
"March can't come soon enough."
Amen to that.
And I am finding it hard to feel attachment as well. Not that it's any comfort, but my therapist tells me this is quite normal with a pregnancy after a loss. And there will be plenty of time to bond when he/she gets here. Just keep taking good care of yourself. And have you felt any kicks yet? I keep thinking that's when I will really fall in love- when I become reminded how real this is with little kicks.
No kicks yet. Still anxiously waiting for that. Maybe I will feel better when I can actually feel him or her in there instead of just feeling fat. :)
i'm not going to give you any advice...i just want you to know that i totally understand your treading. it's hard to become attached to someone you're so afraid to lose. you don't want to feel that pain again, yet you know you'll feel pain if you do lose this child.
it's the catch 22...damned if you do, damned if you don't.
you're in my thoughts and prayers daily. i can't wait to meet this little one. he/she has an amazing mama!
hang in there...and I think you are already attached....
call me whenever and I will try to help you keep your head above water : )
yeah.. I'm attached via umbilical cord. :)
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