I seem to believe that there are different sides of every person. There's the social side, happy, carefree side you want everyone to see. Then there's the dark side, the side that very few have access to. The side of you that you allow only true friends to see, for they won't judge you, or try to "fix" you when you have moments where you go to the dark side. This blog site is my "dark side". It reveals the slightly less "strong" part of me, the part where I need to write in order to feel okay. This is where you can find my inner workings. My myspace reveals the lighter side of me. The strong side.. the brave side.. the eternal optimist.. Most everyone has access to that side of, for that's the side everyone loves to see. Not many like to see people's dark sides.
I believe we all have moments of self doubt, weakness, longing, etc. I 'try' to keep those moments more private. These fleeting moments of darkness may be few and far between, but it's nice to have a place to put them, so they're out of my head and out in the world for few to see.
I think last night, a few got to hear stories from my dark side. I revealed a side of me where things aren't always perfect. As you can see from recent posts, there's turmoil going on. I feel my body has fooled me, I feel my husband deserves someone who can make him happy by producing the many children we've dreamed of. I feel alienated to talk of these feelings to most people. I feel inadequate in my job, as I worry that people will judge me because of my shortcomings and repetitive failures in the reproductive department. These are the dark side of me. The irrational side. The side I need to quiet... as I know my husband is perfectly happy by my side, and would remarry me all over again even with our past history of loss. The side of me where 'most' of my clients could really give a crap about what's going on in my personal life, as long as I'm there to tend to their needs.
I never meant this to be a long blog today..but sometimes the words keep coming.
To my loyal few readers, thank you for witnessing my dark side. Very few have.
..and thank you for not judging me. :) Know that I write this because it gets whatever inadequacies and insecurities off of my chest, out in the open, and out of my head so I can go about my day and walk on the lighter side of life.
2 comments:
isn't it funny how we doubt ourselves and let our insecurities run crazy? it's so silly.
you're an amazing person beth. never doubt that. we're all blessed to have you in our lives no matter how much or low little. i can only image the lives you've touched, in a positive way. so forget all that insecurity crap. you're amazing.
i love learning about all your sides by the way. thanks so much for sharing.
I have (or had?) a dark side blog but I haven't written in it for probably a year. I don't even want to revisit it. I kept it during my first year of apprenticing and I have no desire to reexperience those miserable feelings.
But really, I love reading blogs that really show who someone is. i like the myspace blogs too for entertainment, but even more, I like blogs that reflect the real person and all their innerworkings.
Post a Comment