a revelation ..

My husband told me yesterday that he finds it really hard get excited about this new baby. He's tried, but he just can't. He can't get past what happened the last time we thought we were going to bring home a baby. I feel the same way most days. I told him the reason I do things as if I weren't pregnant such as put up outdoor xmas lights, heavy lifting, going in the bouncy house with my nephew is because I'm trying to be "normal" just in case something terrible happens. If something happens to Katie, then I wouldn't feel like I spent all this time acting like a "delicate" pregnant lady and missing out on the fun stuff. Is that as horrible as it sounds as I type this? I'm ashamed for thinking that way. If things would have turned out just fine with Charlie, then I would be one of those people who took it easy during pregnancy instead of wearing 3 inch heels when it's snowy and icy outside. I probably take risks I shouldn't during this pregnancy like drink 1/4 glass of red wine at Thanksgiving, or getting up on a ladder to put up our xmas lights. I feel anxious and impatient most of the time, wondering how she's doing in there and in between those times I find small periods of happiness. I wish I could feel the complete joy and naivety that many mother's who haven't suffered a loss feel. I'm going to quote a fellow blogger and say "I wish I could go to sleep and wake up on April 1st and be told how this is going to end" because like CLC, I feel the same way. I want to know if I'll have the happy ending everyone dreams of, or if I'll be back in that dark place where showering, eating and getting out of bed don't exist.