Will watching this new baby grow in my belly and hearing the heartbeat overwrite the feelings we had when we heard Charlie's heart beat for the first time? Will I remember what Charlie felt like in my belly after his baby starts to wiggle within? Will we forget what it was like when we heard Charlie's first cries if we ever get a chance to hear this new baby's new cries? I don't want to forget. I don't want to overwrite those feelings we had the first time with our first child. I also don't want to deny myself the chance to bond with this pregnancy, or with this child. I can't bond yet.. it's too soon. I'm hoping once we're out of the first trimester that I can start a journal, or a baby book. I want to include my new feelings in this book, my different feelings. I'm not going about this pregnancy naively like I did the one with Charlie. I know of the many things that can go wrong. I dread those things. I know I'm not immune to those dreadful things, as I've experienced them before. I've given birth to a baby with a heart defect. He died days after I gave birth to him. I've had two miscarriages since. I'd say I've been exposed to enough. Will I forget the sadness and pain so that I can experience joy? Can I?
Will I forget the way Charlie smelled, or how heavy he was when I held him for the first time.
Will I forget how soft his skin was, or the joy I felt the first time I laid eyes on him? Will I forget all the things I loved about Charlie if this new baby becomes more than just a dream. If this baby becomes a reality, will we forget the past and go forward into the future?
3 comments:
I don't think anything can make you forget him.
i had the same fears. all i can say is, let them go. as holli said, nothing will make you forget Charlie.
if anything this new baby will bring you closer to him. at least that's what happened to me. i know our circumstances are a bit different, but i would never have asher here with me now, if Jorai wasn't taken from us. and with asher here, i can see Jorai in him. i can see more of what she may have looked liked, acted like...
i think she's almost more a part of our family since asher has been born, because we now have him to share her brief life with.
and yes, my sadness has weaned a little. it's not gone. and in a way, i'm glad for that. my sadness is really the only thing i have of her to hold onto...that and the photos of her all too still body. but the sadness has lessened and in a way, has become sweeter, because again, i have someone other than steve to share Jorai with, her brother.
the first trimester i was pregnant with asher was hard for me. i did start a baby book only because i was going in thinking i was going to lose him and i wanted something to remember him by...but i can see you not wanting to start one too...
this pregnancy will be hard. simply knowing that it'll be hard is the only thing you can do. well, that and enjoying it as much as you can. but know it'll be scary and exciting at the same time. this new baby is a wonderful addition to your family. i used to thank God every night for another day with asher...fearful that He would take another baby from me all too soon...but it was a way for me to appreciate the time i did have with him.
do remember, you will never forget Charlie. you won't forget anything. if anything, this new baby will cement the seared Charlie memories in your heart and mind forever...i don't know how, but Jorai is more alive in me and our household since asher came into this world. i'm sure Charlie will be too.
you guys are in my thoughts and prayers
Hi- came over from GITW. I am not pregnant (yet) but I worry about this all the time. I worry that I will lose my connection to my daughter and I don't want to, but at the same time we want children. My heart goes out to you. I wish you the best.
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