Holding my breath.

Tomorrow is my next ultrasound. Of course some of you can understand my hesitation to be excited about it. I never know what kind of situation I'm going to walk into. Will I leave with a smile on my face, or with tears running down my cheeks. I've seen the heartbeat two times before, but that doesn't guarantee I'll see one tomorrow. I'm holding my breath, and I'm still keeping my pregnancy a secret, except from the few close friends and family that we've told. Of course those who read my blog also know of my situation with impending whatever-hood. My dad called me last night to ask if he could start telling people that I'm pregnant. I told him "absolutely not". I think that made him sad. The last thing I need is people congratulating me before we know if this pregnancy is going to stick. I know there are people out there that pee on a stick, and tell the world that they're going to have a baby. Most of the time, that's the truth. They will have a healthy baby to parade around and show to the world. That has not been my experience though. I pee on a stick, and then I hold my breath until the ultrasound. The last two miscarriages we knew that the baby stopped growing very early on, so seeing a heartbeat the during the most recent ultrasound (approx 2 weeks ago) was a teensy bit reassuring. I'll hold my breath until I see the ultrasound tomorrow, and then continue to hold it until we're past the first trimester. I'll hold my breath until we find out at 20 weeks whether or not our baby has a healthy heart, and then continue to hold it until this baby is on our arms.