the choices we make

I was remembering back to the first time we heard about Charlie's heart defect. I remember how terrified I was to be carrying a child with a broken heart. From the moment we found out, there were meetings, options, decisions, and answers to our questions. One of the options given to us at a multi-disciplinary meeting was the option of terminating our pregnancy due to our son's defect. When asked if that was an option for us, I was appalled that I was even asked such a thing. I know others have chosen that path, but we figured Charlie was our child and he was stuck with us no matter what the outcome was! We made a plan of attack such as where we'd birth, and where'd Charlie would be transferred after he was born so he could have his life-saving surgery. Where we wanted to go, and where we ended up was determined by our health insurance. We wanted to go to University of Michigan, but our insurance dictated that we were to go to Children's Hospital of Michigan. Would going to a different hospital have made all the difference? Perhaps, but the hospital our insurance chose for us is what determined Charlie's outcome. We could have chosen to fight the insurance company to go to U of M, but we thought that both hospitals were equally matched. We had many choices when it came to Charlie. Whether or not to bring him into this world (which I couldn't have imagined not spending those precious few days with him) -- which hospital to choose and if we choose that hospital if we were to pay out of pocket expenses -- Those are the choices parents make and those choices affect us every single day. Every day Charlie's not here we wonder if we made the right choices. Did we choose the right hospital? Should we have chosen compassionate care instead of subjecting Charlie to machines and medicines to keep him alive, only to lose him anyways. Should he have had that procedure the day after he was born to open up an extra hole in his heart, which lead to the fatal heart attack him ultimately suffered? Would it have made any difference if we were by his bedside in the middle of the night when he started to go downhill? Could we have caught something that maybe the monitors didn't catch and alert someone in time to save him?
THESE are the choices that we make.. the choices that haunt us for eternity..
One choice I know I'd never regret is giving Charlie life and letting him come into this world when he was ready.