earlier thoughts..

I thought I'd post some of my old writings.. Just to get them out there...

This one was written sometime in February of last year (2007)

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I had nightmare after nightmare last night, and unfortunately the two I can remember were both morbid and vivid. Please do not judge me by the crap my brain cranks out while I'm sleeping. If I could avoid these dreams at all cost, I would.. believe me..

The first nightmare involved Charlie. I had a dream that I walked into a doctors office (The doctor was being played by Mr. Slugworth from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate factory). In this doctors office lay Charlie on a cold metal table, who I could tell was clearly deceased in this dream (He was cold and blue, but still perfect looking). I asked Mr. Slugworth if he could explain to me why my Charlie was lying there, and if he could try again one more time to revive him, even though it had been nearly 7 months since he passed away. Mr. Slugworth attempted to revive Charlie again, but of course to no avail.. I also asked him to explain to me one more time his cause of death, because I was so caught up in my grief the first time that I hadn't really absorbed or listened to how he died in the first place and wanted to hear it again when my mind was clear. Mr. Slugworth then proceeded to draw me some charts of Charlie's heart on his chalk board, and I can remember the chalk squeaking against the board each time he wrote. **Note to reader -- the feel of chalk against my skin and the sound of chalk squeaking against a chalkboard sends shivers down my spine and gives me the heebiejeebies. That's when the dream ended and I woke up.

Back to sleep again.. Dream 2

I was in a cemetery. For some reason, I was aware that Charlie was buried in that cemetery, but it didn't look like the one he's buried at in real life. So anyways, I was sitting in a lawn chair listening to someone speak. I was with many many people, but Corey wasn't next to me. I was wondering where he was in the crowd, so I decided to sneak away while the speaker was taking a drink of water out of his bottled water. I wanted to look through the crowd to find a familiar face, to see where Corey was. I walked to the public restrooms, and after being distracted, I almost walked into the men's restroom. While in the restroom regaining my thoughts, my cellphone rings. It's Corey. He said he was stuck at work and couldn't get there in time. He said he handed his boss a note that said his son died and he couldn't attend work today and his boss had finally excused him from work. He hadn't had a chance to eat lunch yet and was starving. I was upset with him because I had to do this thing at the cemetery alone. (Why I was there, and what event I was attending I'm still unsure of...) I told him that I wasn't going to visit Charlie's grave alone, so I left the cemetery without visiting my son's grave and met Corey in an unfamiliar parking lot. I was upset that I left without saying goodbye to Charlie when I had the chance, that I was too chicken to go to his graveside alone.
That's all I remember about that dream.

Now I'm awake way before I'm supposed to be, but at least I got these dreams written down.
If I write them down, they usually won't reoccur.





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The things I'll remember for a lifetime...


I remember holding your hand, so small and sweet.
I remember kissing your tiny feet.
I remember the softness of your hair.
I remember not wanting to leave you there.

I'll miss a lifetime of kisses, smiles and laughter.
I hope one day to see you in the "happily ever after"
Although you're in heaven, and heaven seems so far away..
I'll look forward to meeting you there someday..


August 10, 2007