Tuesday, July 29, 2008
secrets and neuroticism..
Okay, I'll admit that my secret is that I'm pregnant.. again. (big surprise, right?) Now don't go getting your hopes up, and get all congratulatory on me, because I just won't have it. I'd rather pretend this isn't happening right now. I've been pregnant three times since last September. THREE. That's a lot of being pregnant without actually ending up with a baby. Not a whole lot came of either of the other two pregnancies besides heartache, miscarriage, and pain so you can imagine my terror when we conceived once again. I got faint positive after faint positive on the tests, so I had my doctor run some blood tests. I've had blood test before for my first miscarriage, so I knew what to expect. I was surprised when the levels where just fine. They almost tripled, and they were looking for them to rise 66% or double. Now, I never got my hopes up once I got the numbers back, I just said "fine" and went on to the next thing. The next thing being an ultrasound at 6 1/2 weeks. We had the ultrasound last week. The baby measured almost 7 weeks with a heartbeat of 123 beats per minute. My husband was ecstatic and proclaimed that "finally, this one is gonna work out!". Well, I'm not convinced, not in the least. I'm having back pain, right in my sacrum. I had that same back pain in the last two pregnancies, the ones that ended in miscarriage. I feel doomed. The neurotic part of me REALLYREALLYREALLY wants an ultrasound STAT to see if my little jelly bean is thriving. The other part of me also wants an ultrasound. :) Why am I having this back pain? I don't remember having it with Charlie, only in the two doomed pregnancies. Is it a sign that things have taken a turn for the worst? Should I report this finding to my doc to see if he can get me in this week just to calm my nerves? I have another ultrasound in 2 more weeks.. TWO LOOONG WEEKS from now. It seems like forever to find out whether or not this is a "go" or not. Even then, we won't be out of the woods until after 12 weeks. I wish you could fast forward to see what's going to happen. Will I ever end up with a happy ending or am I just being neurotic about a little back pain?
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3 comments:
i know this must be hard for you. i had a very hard time when i was newly pregnant with asher. i thought i'd lose him...every day i checked for blood...and then after the first trimester, i still thought i'd lose him. i checked for blood and movement for 40 weeks and 1 day!
pregnancy after any loss is hard and i want you to know that i'm here for you. if you ever need to talk or need a friend, call me.
i'm excited for you and your pregnancy. i know it's scary, but keep up the hope. and i know it's easier to say than do, but try not to compare this pregnancy with your past ones. i did that too and no good came from it! remember that this baby is new and unique.
you're in my thoughts and prayers my dear friend. call if you want to talk.
and i don't care what you say...my hopes are up and i'm excited for you. i'll make sure i have enough hope to spill over on you too!! :-)
You are always in my thoughts. Love, Sarah
I went to the doc about the back pain. She did a quickie ultrasound and the baby's heart was still beating. She said I should be optimistic and not worry. I'm worrying a little tiny bit less.
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