Sunday, January 20, 2008
why him?
I've spent a great deal of time wondering why my son died. Maybe that's something that will never go away, no matter how much time goes by. I know he'd be such a big boy now. I picture a one year old with lots of dark hair, hazel eyes and an inquisitive nature. I look back to the night he died and wonder why they couldn't bring him back, why they couldn't figure out what was wrong with his heart-- causing it to ultimately fail. I miss Charlie every single day, and some days it seems unbearable. I'll hear a song, or smell something familiar that brings back the bittersweet memory of Charlie's short life. I'm sure many people think I should be "over it" since it's been more than a year, but those who think that have never lost a child. I'll never get over losing him, I'll just get through each moment of sadness in hopes that I come through to the other side. I've experienced happiness and joy since Charlie's been gone, among many other emotions. I just know I'll never be the same person I was before, because I'm better having met my son, even if it were for a limited amount of time.
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2 comments:
all i can say is that i completely understand. it's been 7 months since Jorai passed, and though my pain has lessened, my love for her and ache to have her near is still ever present. we still have all the condolence cards up in the living room. some may think that it's time to take them down, but i can't. some days i can look at the cards and at her picture and only feel joy, while other days i can barely look at her, i miss her so much.
i just keep telling myself that a momma is a momma, whether or not she has a breathing child. we'll love and miss our children until we meet them again. and thats one reunion that i will forever look forward to!
We are mommas and always will be!
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