that fall smell

There's a chill in the air, and that means fall has arrived. The leaves are starting to change and that "fall smell" is starting to linger in the air. Many of my memories are trigged by smell.. The lotion and deodorant I wore while pregnant with Charlie trigger my memory of him, as does that "fall smell". In the fall I feel like a hunter and gatherer.. like I should be preparing for winter, or something more wonderful. I felt that way when I was pregnant with Charlie -- I was preparing for something wonderful. I was hunting and gathering items needed when he was to come home with us. Now when I smell the changing of the season I feel sadness. I know what's coming. A birthday and angel-day closely following it. I have to admit the last birthday/angel-day was a little less painful, but only because we choose to spend that time telling Katie about her big brother and having her help us make a cake to celebrate. This year we have both Kate and Maggie to help make cake, and to visit big brother's grave. It still hurts, and always will.. but with each passing year there's a tiny bit less sting. Fall will always be Charlie's time and each year I will hunt and gather items to donate to the children's hospital in his memory as we've been doing each year.