a conglomerate of feelings.

  Before Charlie I went to church all the time, prayed often and begged God that fateful night to save my son.  My outcome was no different than someone who's never had a conversation with God, or had stepped foot in a church.   Six years post-Charlie I find it hard to go to church without crying and without feeling like God abandoned me that night.  I know there's the "God's plan" and "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" crowd telling me that "I'll find out the reason behind this someday".. but it doesn't motivate me to walk into church each week like we did before we had our son.   In his eulogy we said one of the things we regretted was not being able to teach Charlie "to pray".  I need help teaching my rainbow girls to pray because I'm just not in that place yet where I believe that prayers are being heard and answered.  Especially since my biggest and loudest prayer seemed to fall on deaf ears.